Before I embark on my story I would like to make a disclaimer that there may be some upsetting and graphic content so please take care of yourself while reading. It is not my intention to upset anyone, I just want to share my story here, in my tiny part of the internet, as it is real life stuff. The Miscarriage Association on their website said the physical experience of miscarriage is a topic that is rarely discussed openly so that is why on the last day of Baby Loss Awareness week I have decided to share my story.

I hope you find this to be a safe space to share your story if you want to, I would love to hear from you.

Another disclaimer, this is quite a long story and took longer to write than I first anticipated so grab a brew and get comfy!! Thank you for reading.

I decided to start sharing my story with you on 15th October 2018 22.19 as this is Pregnancy Loss Rememberance Day

As I am typing this I am having sensations similar to mild contractions but I am not in labour, I am having a miscarriage.  I am in my forth week of bleeding and have no idea when it is going to end.  I chose to take the natural route rather than have medical intervention as I would have hoped for a natural birth if the pregnancy had been successful so i just wanted to keep things natural. I am learning that sadly miscarriage is part of nature.

When I had my first miscarriage 7 years ago, it was my first pregnancy and a very much wanted pregnancy.  I was absolutely devastated and heart broken, it took me months to emotionally recover and it took until I held Rayne in my arms to mend my broken heart.

This miscarriage has been different.  It has felt more like an inconvenience to be totally honest for a few reasons.  Firstly, I have always dreamed of having 4 children but in reality it has been really hard to fulfill this dream.  Finding time to have an adult conversation with my husband is often challenging so finding time to have sex has been nigh on impossible!! So when we did get pregnant I hoped for twins so that we could have our 4 children! The second reason it has been inconvenient is because I have had to find childcare to go to my hospital appointments.  On my first scan I had to go alone as we couldn’t find anyone to look after Rayne and Rose, it was really tough. Lastly, it has been inconvenient because I haven’t had the time or the option to sit around and mourn for the baby or babies that didn’t develop inside my womb or take it easy while my body goes through this physical change because I have been too busy loving, playing with and caring for the two beautiful babies that I already have.  I have often wondered over the last month if I have turned into an insensitive person, or is it OK to feel the way i am feeling and accept this miscarriage is an inconvenience?

I have always been honest with my children and don’t like to lie to them so when we found out we were pregnant Sy and I chose to tell them straight away.   I wanted them to know why mummy was emotional or snappy at times and why I needed to lie down for a little nap. I explained to them that the baby was not yet developed and we watched a video together showing a 5 week old embryo. I explained that sometimes the pregnancy does not develop at all and this may happen to us.

Well, I have my third scan tomorrow to see if the pregnancy has expelled from my body. I don’t know what to expect as I have been having light bleeding and lost a few small blood clots. Is that enough?

Thursday 18th October 2018 13.23

I am now writing this from my hospital bed after being here for 2 nights.

Let me carry on with the story… 2 weeks after finding out we were pregnant and sharing our news with Rayne and Rose, I started to bleed and I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, I spoke to the midwife and told her that I just didn’t feel pregnant, she tried to reassure me that I was probably too busy with 2 young children to feel pregnant and advised me to call the GP if the bleeding persisted. The following week on 25th September at 7  weeks pregnant I went for my first scan alone at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit. I was told the sac was measuring 5 weeks which could have meant I got my dates wrong or that it had stopped developing. I needed to wait a whole week to find out. The week went fast and we were able to get childcare so that Sy could come with me, the second scan confirmed what I already knew, the sac had not grown. They also said they could detect 2 smaller sacs which may have been failed pregnancies too!!

It was at that appointment that we decided to take the natural method as I felt I had already gone through 2 weeks of bleeding so wanted to keep things natural, plus I always try and avoid medical intervention whenever possible.

We went home and explained to Rayne and Rose that the sac had not developed into a baby and that mummy would have bleeding, just like my period, for the sac to come out (they both already knew where babies come from and Rayne watched Rose being born) so it all made sense to them. They were both disappointed that they would not be having a baby sibling and after a big family hug they carried on with what they were doing.

Fast forward 2 weeks of home education, dancing, gymnastics, piano lessons, bleeding, stomach craps and trying to grab some rest when I could, we were back in hospital on Tuesday 16th October having a third scan. This is when things stopped going to plan. The scan revealed that nothing had changed, the 3 sacs were still fully intact. 4 weeks of bleeding and nothing. After a discussion with the doctor about our options and weighing up the risks we decided to go with the medical management process. This meant I would need to insert tablets into my vagina to induce the miscarriage, I would have stomach cramps and bleed and pass the tissue until everything was gone from my uterus. I could do this at home or in hospital. We decided the best option would be to do it in hospital as I would get more rest, plus as open as we are with our children, I didn’t really want them to see me go through this.  We booked in for that Thursday (today), 2 days and it would all be over.

On the Tuesday evening at home I could feel myself starting to bleed quite heavily, then I felt the first big blood clot pass. I felt nervous but also happy that things were starting to progress and hopeful I would get the natural miscarriage I wanted. The cramps came and the blood loss got heavier with lots of big clots. Rayne and Rose were keen to see what was happening and took it in their stride. I checked the information provided by the hospital and quickly felt that something wasn’t quite right, it said the bleeding would be similar to a heavy period but this was a lot heavier than any period I have had. I called the ward where we had been earlier that day and they advised me to call back in an hour if things hadn’t calmed down. 2 hours later, childcare had been arranged and Sy and I are back at the hospital. The doctor took bloods and examined me straight away, he confirmed the bleeding was heavy and used an instrument similar to forceps used in labour to remove anything that may have been stuck on the wall of my cervix. The bleeding subsided and I got some sleep feeling happy that everything was over.

The following morning (Wednesday 17th October) I had yet another scan and got the worst news yet, everything was still intact in my uterus, the bleeding and blood clots were not pregnancy tissue. My blood count was very low and the doctor was concerned that if I had more bleeding I would need a blood transfusion. The doctor felt the best decision would be to have SMM (surgical management of miscarriage). I agreed and after lunch became nil by mouth, waiting for an emergency slot in theatre.

The surgery took place at 22.30 that evening. I have only been put to sleep once before and that was before I had children. I consider myself to be quite a brave and realistic person but I must admit I was a bit scared and things ran through my mind such as: if I don’t wake up I haven’t left a list for Sy and I haven’t written a letter to my children telling them how much I love them. However, everything was fine and I remember waking up feeling like I had had the best 1 hours sleep in 6 years!! The surgery was successful and there was no need for a blood transfusion.

Rose came to pick me up from hospital

Friday 19th October 15.40

I was discharged from hospital at 16.00 yesterday with iron tablets. Sy and Rose collected me and took me home. The first thing Rose wanted to know (after having booby) was where the baby was, I explained that the baby was gone now and she said “it doesn’t matter mum, we will be just fine with a dog!!”  The second thing she asked was if the bleeding had stopped from my vagina. She was happy that it had and said “good, we can go swimming now!”

I was able to go into a bit more detail with Rayne about the procedure and she took the information in her stride. Both Rayne and Rose understand that mummy needs some time to rest and build up my strength again.

While they are both out enjoying the autumn sunshine with Sy I am finishing off this post and reflecting on the events of the last 5 weeks. I think now that it is all over I am going to take some time to think about and feel sad about the baby or babies we couldn’t have this time. I am realising as I type this that even though I have a young family to love, care for and protect, it is ok to not be ok for a little while…

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I am a mum of 2 daughters. I recently gave up my 9-5 job of 14 years to home school my children. My dream is for my family to become world schoolers, travelling around the world and learning as we go! I love blogging about our life, sharing our wins and fails. I hope some of the things I blog about inspire you along the way